Saturday, May 18, 2013

Here's my blog while I'm in Africa

IE3 Global likes for us to have blogs, but they also like us to be professional. So here it is while I'm away, and then I can be as edgy as I want on this blog! (Joke. That never happens.)

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Instead of doing something normal, let me review a TV show for you.

It's been a long, dry summer. As in, no Parks and Recreation, no 30 Rock, and no Parenthood. WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO. After watching old Parks episodes over and over and over for three months, I finally buckled and clicked on the first wedding reality show that popped up in my instant queue. What's that, Netflix? You suggest My Fair Wedding with David Tutera? Don't mind if I do.

Here's how it works: somehow, some bride becomes a part of this show. She sits in front of a camera with her fiance for like two minutes saying how they met/what his name is before he's booted out. David walks in. Everyone kisses everyone's cheeks. The bride shows off the things she's already made for the wedding, which are terrible. David makes a few well-placed horrified faces while the camera zooms in on him. These faces are always used as teasers before the next commercial.

Bride: The centerpieces are made of silk tulips that I hot-glued rhinestones onto.
David: *covers eyes with hand in shame*
Narrator: But can David turn Stephani's rhinestone nightmare into a country dream?
David: The dress has got to go.
Bride: *sassy look*

But he always does! He always does turn it into a country dream! I made that up. I don't even know what a country dream is. But then David takes things about the wedding and goes around and changes them.

That is why I love David Tutera and don't feel like the worst watching him: because even though it's a wedding show, what it's really about is all these classy things, like picking out dresses that look good on you, and having table manners, and where hip food in New York is, and how to make table linens look good, and how to behave at a black tie event, and what the difference between a place card and an escort card is, and how to give tacky centerpieces a sassy stare down. Watching David doesn't make me feel weird and like I need to get married, like Say Yes to the Dress always does (SYTTD sound byte: "I'm just so *sob* excited *sob* to marry my best friiiieeeeend..."). No grooms, no tearful professions of love that make you feel like you're having a second period, nothing of any emotional depth at all. Here is a thing David actually said to a bride and groom once:

“I promise you, all different flowers which just really bring the feeling of the place together for you.”

What does that even mean? Is that even an independent clause? David doesn't care. I don't care. I'm just watching people call each other sweetie and drink sangria while I eat cottage cheese on my couch. Then I write blog posts about it to justify what I did today that was not studying. 

In other news, school. 

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Apologies + chicken

Talking to my new roommate the other night:

R: Maggie, I have a confession to make. It's really, really creepy.
Me: Okay? (Is she really dead? Is she hiding a body? Does she know when she's going to die? Why can't I get off being dead?)
R: I read your blog. Before I even met you.

Which reminded me, oh yeah, I have a blog. And I guess I haven't updated that for five months. So probably, what, my dad and my aunt and two other people might think I'm dead (what is wrong with me today?). Well, I'm not dead! I really can't be blamed, though. It's been a busy few months: moving home, taking summer classes, saying goodbye to missionaries, being involved in a national scandal (No, not that scandal. This one), road-tripping the USA, working at day camps, and finally moving back to the city and starting classes again. It's been emotionally charged and exhausting, but productive and fun.

Nonetheless, I will offer my apologies for being a total blog flake by sharing a new favorite recipe of mine. See, this is my first kitchen and I'm all excited to be making food. You can tell by the way I ate soup and tuna for the entire last week. But whatever.

Tip: "Antiquing" your food photos makes them 10x more appetizing.

Stovetop Buffalo Chicken

3 boneless chicken breasts
Salt and pepper
Olive oil spray
Store brand buffalo sauce

First, put on your apron that your dad made at Scout camp in the 70's. It looks like it came form Urban Outfitters, but you didn't even pay anything for it! Then cut each chicken breast into two and smoosh them with your hands until they are thin. This is a very professional thing to do that will make them tender and help them cook faster on the stove. Just remember to wash your hands and everything around you, because there are worms you can get that can eat your brain. I'm not actually sure if those worms live in raw chicken, but.

(My thought process: Aren't there chicken worms that can eat your brain? Or is that pork? How much did that educational law textbook cost again? I guess I won't risk it.)

Then coat the chicken in flour and salt and pepper them. Get lots of flour on there. Then throw them in a pan on the stove, one at a time because your pan is very tiny and probably used to be used for camping, mostly. Spray it all down with lots of olive oil and flip it and spray it it until the smoke detector goes off. Then open the windows and make sure it isn't actually the carbon monoxide detector. Once you are sure of this, check the chicken for doneness (brain worms) and set aside. Repeat with each piece.

Once all the pieces are done, throw them in the pan again and mix them up with the cheapest buffalo sauce you could possibly find. This makes three servings, so you also have dinner and lunch the next day. Your intestines will tell you this is a bad idea, but they're lying. You're fine. Pairs well with blue cheese dressing, grapefruit juice, and a canker sore.  

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Obligatory haircut post.

It's gone. I took it all off.

Usually I love it, but when I hate it, I just tell myself I look like:

1. Audrey Hepburn
2. Amelia Earhart
3. Julie Andrews
4. All of the above.

(Tracy to Liz) "Who attacked you and gave you that haircut?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Check and check.

At first glance, this is just a picture of me drinking a Fanta Grape in a classy matching scarf.  Just another teenager taking pictures of herself on Photobooth, right?


Upon closer investigation, one will realize that this picture marks two of my greatest accomplishments: 

1) I knitted that scarf.

2) I am not drinking that grape soda in sin. In fact, today I saved 874 calories for dinner, so I got to splurge a little. It was a celebration of dropping over a pound this week. Watch out, Freshman Fifteen! I'm your worst nightmare!

Following through with my goals is a big deal, folks. Please send money in lieu of back-pats.  

Anyone to find me a 30 Rock quote to go along with this will receive a cash prize. If by "cash prize," you mean a hug. And if by "a hug," you mean a smile. And if by "a smile" you mean nothing.

Monday, January 2, 2012

My New Year's resolutions.

1. Develop healthy eating habits. Because I bought a scale at Ikea a couple weeks ago, and I can only hope that it's broken. Plan of Attack: Eating junk food only on the weekends, virtually eliminating soda, and buying more produce.

2. Actually learn how to study. Because I'm pretty sure I cheated or something this semester, and my classes turned out super easy. My homework was super easy, my finals week was super easy. So with a new 16-hour schedule for this semester, I am going to study before I watch 30 Rock, make my readings a priority, and visit the library regularly.

3. Begin learning Spanish again. Because I don't have enough room in my foreseeable schedule to take any foreign language classes, this summer I plan on purchasing Rosetta Stone and starting it. Unless you think I could make it through a South American study abroad only able to say the names of foods and school supplies. But I guess I'm only an elementary ed major, right?

4. Learn to knit. During the times when I'm not menstruating.

Liz: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone this year.
Jack: Women your age are more likely to get mauled at a zoo than get married.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Hair color addict

Sometimes, when you haven't been anywhere very interesting, and the third graders aren't being particularly hilarious, and you haven't locked yourself out of your dorm room in a while, all you can do is blog a picture of the pink hair you keep adding to because you are a hair color addict . You are probably supposed to be working on a final paper, and are sick of Facebook and Pinterest.

"Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets." --Tracy