Here's how it works: somehow, some bride becomes a part of this show. She sits in front of a camera with her fiance for like two minutes saying how they met/what his name is before he's booted out. David walks in. Everyone kisses everyone's cheeks. The bride shows off the things she's already made for the wedding, which are terrible. David makes a few well-placed horrified faces while the camera zooms in on him. These faces are always used as teasers before the next commercial.
Bride: The centerpieces are made of silk tulips that I hot-glued rhinestones onto.
David: *covers eyes with hand in shame*
Narrator: But can David turn Stephani's rhinestone nightmare into a country dream?
David: The dress has got to go.
Bride: *sassy look*
But he always does! He always does turn it into a country dream! I made that up. I don't even know what a country dream is. But then David takes things about the wedding and goes around and changes them.
That is why I love David Tutera and don't feel like the worst watching him: because even though it's a wedding show, what it's really about is all these classy things, like picking out dresses that look good on you, and having table manners, and where hip food in New York is, and how to make table linens look good, and how to behave at a black tie event, and what the difference between a place card and an escort card is, and how to give tacky centerpieces a sassy stare down. Watching David doesn't make me feel weird and like I need to get married, like Say Yes to the Dress always does (SYTTD sound byte: "I'm just so *sob* excited *sob* to marry my best friiiieeeeend..."). No grooms, no tearful professions of love that make you feel like you're having a second period, nothing of any emotional depth at all. Here is a thing David actually said to a bride and groom once:
“I promise you, all different flowers which just really bring the feeling of the place together for you.”
What does that even mean? Is that even an independent clause? David doesn't care. I don't care. I'm just watching people call each other sweetie and drink sangria while I eat cottage cheese on my couch. Then I write blog posts about it to justify what I did today that was not studying.
In other news, school.